Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
