Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
