Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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