sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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