I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
