If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
