Heybabeimwearingurpanties
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
