Acid is not a monday night drug
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
