At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
