Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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