i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
