just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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