I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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