hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
