Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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