I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
