if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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