Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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