Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
