My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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