I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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