Banned from zoo.
Again?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize