Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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