you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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