so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
