I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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