I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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