he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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