Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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