Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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