when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
