im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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