dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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