Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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