Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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