Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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