I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
