you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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