can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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