I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
