I'm passing your future prison.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
