My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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