well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
