I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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