Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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