oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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