she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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