i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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