just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
