i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
