He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
