Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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