Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
