M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
