she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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