Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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