My cat gives me a boner
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't turn off my feet"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
