I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
