so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
