: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
